The president's advisers plot election strategy. "Here's how we win in 2012: We pick a message that appeals to Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, progressives, libertarians, Larouchies, Flat-Earthers, and neo-primitivist anarchists." "Clinton triangulated. We're going to octangulate."

Researchers manage to find a point of octopartisan agreement. Obama: "My fellow Americans, no Star Wars prequels were made during my first term, and none will be made during my second!"

Mainstream news outlets applaud the non-controversial stance. TIME magazine: "Bringing the nation together" "Consensus at last"

Back at campaign HQ... Obama: "How are we doing?" "Well, unemployment is still incredibly high, and the country's infrastructure is falling apart, but your poll numbers are holding steady." "So we're set to roll out the pro-puppy message next week."