Need an abortion in South Dakota? Thanks to a new law, you'll have to get anti-abortion counseling first. Counselor: "You do realize that at nine weeks, a fetus is fully capable of filing taxes and solving quadratic equations, don't you?" In background: poster saying "BABY YES!"

Coming soon: More conservative counseling! Before you buy a fuel-efficient car: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I know gas is high, but you must realize that real men have a big carbon footprint!"

At the health food store: "Before you buy that brown rice and tofu, I should advise you that there's a McDonald's across the street offering lovely All-American Big Macs."

When you get a passport: "But why would you want to leave the greatest nation on earth, even for a week?"